11 Temmuz 2012 Çarşamba
10 Temmuz 2012 Salı
9 Temmuz 2012 Pazartesi
Downtown movie theater?!? Yes, please.
Here's a picture of the proposal:
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It's the hottest rumor in Saratoga — I hear it almost daily on blogs, on twitter via email and phone calls — and today it's one step closer to confirmation.
The rumor: Developer Sonny Bonacio is planning to turn the former Railroad Place Price Chopper into a movie theater.
Today's confirmation (or as close as we can get to it): The Daily Gazette reports that the county Planning Board approved a concept to turn the building into a movie theater last night. The city's Planning Board will be the next to review the plans. Bonacio wouldn't confirm any details, but did say he's trying to lure a movie theater operator to the Spa City (suggestion: tell them about the kettle corn guy, you could lure me anywhere with that stuff).
We're working on our own story about this right now (and kicking ourselves for not going to that meeting last night) but, for the time being, I suggest you check out the Gazette's story. (It's behind their paywall, fyi)
More kudos to the Saratoga Idiots who have been all over this rumor for months.
-- Emily
Men's clothing store opens in former Shoe Depot building
According to a press release, the store will feature brands including Peter Millar, Bills Khakis, Bugatchi Uomo, UGG of Australia and Filson as well as "highly personalized service."
More from the release:
The force behind “The National” is Saratoga National Golf Club, the championship golf and dining landmark located on Union Avenue east of Northway Exit 14. The nouveau haberdashery not only derives its name from the parent company, it will serve as an outlet for Saratoga National to showcase its award-winning golf and dining services to a downtown audience.
Widescreen plasma televisions will display virtual tours of the golf course and the restaurant and event facilities of Prime at Saratoga National. Several of the clothing lines will be embroidered with the Saratoga National Golf Club logo.
“Many visitors to downtown Saratoga aren’t aware of what Saratoga National has to offer,” said Thomas Newkirk, CEO of Saratoga National. “We hope The National will provide out-of-town visitors and local residents with a good feel for our facility, and encourage them to join us for golf, fine dining and entertainment.”
Shoppers also will be able to book tee times, make dinner reservations and purchase Saratoga National golf passes and gift cards, which are good for golf, dining or merchandise. “They can even discuss hosting a golf outing, wedding orfundraiser at the club,” said Newkirk.
The National will be open from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. Monday through Saturday and from noon to 6 p.m. Sundays.
As signs have promised for a couple months now, Frivolous Boutique, now located on Division Street, will also move into the same building this month.
— Emily
Beer brewed on Broadway even close to being a reality
Photographer Erica Miller (@TogianPhotog) took this shot of the Druthers Brewing Co. being built on Broadway Tuesday. It's next to the former home of the Shoe Depot and is filling up the last little bit of empty frontage on Broadway.
Reporter Lucian McCarty caught up with co-owner Chris Martell today and he said they are aiming to open on July 30.
They're hoping to have 12 varieties of beer on tap at all times.
Sounds delicious and it's making me thirsty. We'll have more on this tomorrow when Lucian is taking a tour of the building.
-- Emily
Dunday's clothing store getting ready to open on Broadway
I talked to Gillis’ girlfriend, Deborah Ashe, who said the clothing store will aim to appeal to men and women over 30 years old with a variety of brands including Aventura Clothing. They'll also have accessories, scarves, and handbags for sale which may appeal to a younger crowd.
Dunday's plans to open for business before the influx of racetrack goers arrive in the Spa City. Gillis and Ashe have refinished the store's wood floors and put in wall fixings and are awaiting their first shipment of clothes. Keep an eye open for the opening of the new clothing store within the next couple weeks.
-- Marcella Jewell
Crepes news
RAVENOUS, Saratoga’s only creperie and European café, has unveiled several new menu additions for the summer season. The locally-owned & family-operated business has also expanded its hours for July: Open Tuesday - Sunday.Now open weekends at 9am (Sat & Sun) and open later evenings. Tues-Thurs: 11:30am-8:30pmFriday: 11:30-9pmSat & Sunday: 9am-9pmClosed Mondays Additions to our Lunch & Dinner Menu................ Kings Pulled Pork Crepe – This crepe features slow, roasted pork smothered a citrus, bourbon mop sauce. Topped with a drizzle of barbecue sauce and served with a side of mom’s coleslaw (red & green cabbage, cranberries, apples, almonds and celery).Crepe Toulouse - Fresh, ripe berries of the day paired with our homemade lime curd. Bursting with summertime flavor! Today we're using locally-grown raspberries....THREE NEW DIPPING SAUCES FOR POMMES FRITES: Sweet Ginger Mango Mayo, Zesty Curry Mayo & Smokin' Sriracha Sauce.
We sampled several new sauces with Ravenous customers and the three above were the runaway favorites. So all three were put on the summer menu. We now have 12 different dipping sauces to choose from!
Brunch menu additions................ Crepe Boudreaux – This Louisiana-inspired crepe features Andouille sausage, hard boiled egg, freshly diced tomatoes, caramelized onions & a dollop of cheesy grits. Served with a side of crispy pommes frites.Banana Walnut Crepe - Sliced bananas and walnuts sauteed in a Jamaican rum sauce combined with a moist banana crumble filling. Topped with freshly whipped cream.
8 Temmuz 2012 Pazar
Feel the fear and don't do it anyway
Now, respectfully, could you all please knock it off?
Over the last two and a half years, I have done a lot of work with people with anxiety disorders. These are not people with quote-unquote too much stress, but rather people who suffer from issues like fears, phobias, and compulsions. They can't board airplanes, drive over bridges, or stop washing their hands 50 times a day. And whether you know it or not, articles like yours are part of their problem.
Since early 2009 I have been running a group program called "Anxiety Camp," and to a man or woman, its participants all tell me the same thing: well-meaning friends and relatives have always pushed them to engage in "Nike therapy" about their fears (e.g. just do it). The results are always the same. At best they suck it up, muddle through fearful situations, and then feel no better the next time they face them. More often they freak out, have setbacks, and end up worse off than where they started. And then everyone assumes that the sufferer simply isn't trying hard enough.
In reality, trying hard *is* the problem. It goes against your neurobiology. Being afraid is a survival instinct that protects us, and when we try to short-circuit that instinct, our subconscious pushes back - hard. So how do you get well from anxiety disorders? In tiny baby steps. While paying a lot of attention to what you tell yourself. That way, you start re-programming your circuits about what is frightening to you, as you gradually expand your comfort zone.
You see, the suck-it-up types want you to face your fears by gritting your teeth, putting your head down, and enduring situations. At best, doing this simply distracts you and teaches you nothing. At worst, it sensitizes you to situations you really want to become *de*-sensitized to. I want you to learn to become fully present in feared situations. And that almost always requires experiencing them gradually.
To be fair, I do understand the value of these motivational articles. Sometimes people decide to make brave, fundamental moves that change their lives. They choose to take control instead of take cover. And sometimes it works. For example, the day I leaped without a net from corporate life into self-employment will always rank up there as one of the most life-affirming things I've ever done.
But that is not the same as dealing with the fears that, statistically, one in five of us struggle with. And when fearful people read these articles - or worse, are handed them by well-meaning others - they become disheartened. And worst of all, don't realize that from a clinical standpoint, these words are often leading them toward illness and not wellness.
Conversely, when people start taking tiny baby steps from within their comfort zone, magic often starts to happen. I've watched this happen over and over. Anxiety scores drop, limits start disappearing, and people develop a renewed sense of faith in themselves. So if you're fearful, remember: learn all you can about your fears. Take things one small step at a time. And stay far away from motivational speakers.
Top of the World!!
After leaving behind Sandia Crest and the Heli-Pad, we arrived at the Cibola National Forest gate, which has a walk-around for hikers and horseback riders.
This section of trail traveled along old jeep and Forest Service roads.
Soon we noticed the higher number of hikers, many of which were kids who were excited to see horses on the trail.
(This was also the major trail junction for Sandia Crest, the Sandia Peak Tram Terminal, and the CCC Kiwanis Cabin. We took the trail to Kiwanis Cabin)
We, of course stopped to allow the kids to pet our horses.
And our horses seemed to enjoy all the attention.
The trail to Kiwanis Cabin traveled steadily upwards on an old gravel road that Apache was not all that happy about. Unfortunately there weren’t very many soft areas to ride on the sides of the trail, although Apache certainly searched for them.
Before too long we reached a short set of limestone stairs, and I realized we had made it to the Top of the World! I was so excited!!!
After riding our horses up the stairs and an incline, we got up close and personal to the Civilian Conservation Corps Kiwanis Cabin!
It was so exhilarating to be on top of the world with our horses!
Of course we took lots of photos! (See those towers off in the distance behind Kendra and Bailey? That’s where we had ridden from. They are the Communication and Radio Towers on Sandia Crest.)
Apache was the one with all the good horse sense, because even though I asked her to move up closer to the edge, she wouldn’t get any closer than 5 feet from the drop off. (Albuquerque down below)
“Silly human, someone needs to keep us safe. I’m not a Pegasus, you know.”
We decided to dismount and have a picnic near the Kiwanis Cabin.
While we were next to Kiwanis Cabin, just as I was getting ready to dismount, some mountain bikers rode up behind us and then rolled up right beside us. Apache took it all in stride. Last year, I had my sons ride their bikes all around and beside Apache and I, and then I posted about it on my blog, with photos. Back then, Apache was never fazed by the bikes in the least. Some people commented on my blog, that it didn’t mean anything because Apache could still react negatively to bikes while out on the trail and not at home. I’m happy to say that she reacted exactly the same way that she reacted home: Unfazed and not an issue at all.
We had all packed a lunch in our saddle bags, so we let the horses nibble on the sparse grass up there, while we enjoyed our picnic on top of the world.
Kendra and Bailey.
Peggy and Joey, with Kiwanis Cabin in the background.
Now don’t laugh at me. I have never eaten a PBJ sandwich with my horse before.
This was our first time. And I had no idea Apache loves PBJ sandwiches so much!
I mean really loves them! At one point she even licked my entire chin all the way down to my neck! haha!
But when the PBJ was gone (half eaten by my pony!), she finally went back to nibbling grass.
(Peggy pony-sitting while I went over to Kiwanis Cabin to take a photo of Kendra taking Bailey inside the cabin.)
I only managed to get them as they were coming back outside of the cabin. darn!
But I did manage to capture this photo after Kendra had remounted. Cool, huh?
We enjoyed our picnic on top of the world, but it was already 4:00pm and we still had to ride back down to the horse trailers…..
More to come!
Sunday Stills ~ Roads
This week’s Sunday Stills Challenge is to share photos of roads.
Last week, I took my horse up to the Sandia Mountains with some friends to go trail riding. There is only one paved road to access all of the trail heads as well as the top of Sandia Crest at 10,678 ft elevation. Sandia Crest Road is 12 miles long and also travels to the Sandia Ski Area, too. And as you can see, it is a very winding and twisting road.
My house is exactly 10.6 miles from the start of Sandia Crest Road, and although I have done a lot of hiking in the Sandia Mountains, I had never taken my horse up there. So this was a pretty awesome experience for me…and my horse, too!
This vista is north across the Sandia Crest Road towards Santa Fe in the distance.
In this photo you can get a better idea of just how curvy Sandia Crest Road truly is. And these folks in this truck were so excited to see us, they were taking a photo of me and my horse at the same time that I was taking a photo of them!
And in this last photo, you can see the Sandia Crest Road as it snakes between one of the many trail head parking areas along Sandia Crest Rd. Those are our horse trailers down below.
Thoughtless Neighbors
One of our neighbors behind our house, had a bunch of people over today for their their youngest son’s birthday. The other day I saw the Dad setting up some straw bales in their front yard and thought nothing of it, but if I had known then what those straw bales were for, I would have spoken up.
For 2 hours today, about 10-15 boys were shooting very noisy guns, while the parents and grandparents and their friends watched and cheered them on. It didn’t really bother me and I just figured that the noise would be good desensitization for my horse. I knew they weren't shooting BBs or Airsoft ammo because the hay bales were facing one another and were less than 50 feet apart. I was thinking it must be some kind of laser guns they were shooting. It never occurred to me that those boys were shooting something that could physically hurt my horse and other animals!
So, when the party had quieted down, apparently so everyone could eat, I headed up to the barn to feed my animals. My daughter walked up with me and immediately brought to my attention many little brightly-colored balls covering the ground in Apache’s paddock. What the heck?!
Apache showed up around a tree and was noticeably upset, nervous and trembling. I was able to calm her down with carrots and petting as she walked beside me up to the barn. The entire way up I kept seeing those colorful balls scattered all across Apache’s paddock…I then realized that those boys had been shooting paint balls! And then I glanced over into the llama and goat paddock, which is closest to our neighbor’s front yard, and was shocked at the high numbers of paint balls covering the ground.
When I arrived up at the barn I realized I had left my llamas and goats locked up in their stall all day. I do that sometimes so they won't get in the way when I'm cleaning and refilling the water tanks, which is what I had done that morning. I can’t tell you how relieved I was at that moment for my lapse of memory, because if I hadn’t kept my llamas and goats in all day, they would have been blasted and pummeled by paint balls!
Photo below was taken from the second floor of the back of our house. Our neighbor’s house on the far right (notice one of the straw bales set up for the shooting gallery in his front yard). Our llama/goat paddock is in the middle, our barn is at the top of the hill, and Apache’s paddock is on the far left. Even the black water tank all the way at the bottom of our hill, beside our small gate, had paint balls inside of it!. We even found them on our trampoline and under the trees to the left of our stairs and basketball court!
I also felt terrible when I realized that poor Apache wasn’t so much traumatized by the noise as she had been by watching all those paint balls barreling over into her paddock, some exploding as they hit our trees, rocks and the ground. She had spent the entire afternoon cowering down at the far southwestern corner of her paddock, beside my neighbor friend Val’s horse barn. I should have went up there and spoke to our neighbors as soon as those boys started their paint ball battle.
But I didn’t. And I didn’t even speak up when I saw all those paint balls all over my property, because I was just too terribly upset, and I knew I wouldn’t even be able to speak calmly. And I really really dislike face-to-face confrontation. So, Jen and I spent close to an hour picking up the countless paint balls, getting our hands paint-covered and filthy. I couldn’t let Apache nor my goats and llamas out of the barn until it was all picked up because of the concern that the goats might try to eat the paintballs and the llamas and Apache might get the paint all over their feet as they walked around. The neighbors and all their guests sat in the backyard, which is right beside our animal paddocks and watched as Jen and I picked up their paint balls, but no one came over to offer to help or even to apologize. It wasn’t until Jen and I had filled our bucket almost 1/2 full before I considered walking over to my fence and speaking with my neighbors. It was perfect timing because he and several other men had come out to the front of the house and were practicing shooting the paint ball guns.
The bucket we were filling up with paint balls. Notice the golf balls, too. This same neighbor practices golf from his front yard and we are always finding his golf balls in our animal paddock and backyard, too.
I called my neighbor over to my fence and showed him my bucket of paint balls and told him what a thoughtless and careless thing he did by placing the paintball shooting gallery facing into my animal paddocks. I told him how angry I would have been if my horse, llamas or goats had been shot, and I told him that I even found paint balls in the animal’s water tanks, that I had just scrubbed and refilled that morning. I also told him that many of the paint balls traveled over a hundred feet across our property, and we even found them all the way down down the hill beside my house (which made me thankful that I had put our chickens back in their coop earlier in the day when it looked like we might get rain…we didn’t, but one of those paint balls could have seriously injured one of our chickens!). And I told him that he should have set up the paint ball shooting gallery in his own back yard or farther over on his own property at a different angle.
He did sheepishly apologize for his mistake, but then offered to have his sons come over to help us pick up the paint balls. I declined his offer because most of the paint balls had already been picked up, but even though I didn’t say anything at the time, I felt that the Dad should have offered to come over to clean up the paint balls on our property and not the boys, considering it was the Dad that set up the location of the shooting gallery.
But I made it clear that he had better make sure his sons didn’t shoot any more paint balls towards my animal paddocks, now that they owned their own personal paint ball guns.
What’s ironic about this entire encounter is that here I was worried about stupid people setting off fireworks in our neighborhood even though fireworks have been banned, because of the extreme fire danger. I didn’t realize I needed to be worried about my animals getting shot with paintballs by thoughtless neighbors.
For Icelandic Vinka!!!
Icelandic Vinka,
I am creating a post just for you because you keep leaving the same kinds of comments on my blog posts and you don't seem to be coming back to read my replies to your comments. I would leave a reply on your blog or send you an e-mail, but you have chosen to keep your profile private so I am not able to contact you except through my own blog. If you would bother to check back on your comments, you would be able to see my replies, like on the 29th when you said this:
"What great pictures as usual! Seems like this trio are a great riding team! I do worry about you all out there just the three of you though... are you "prepared" for mountain lions or surprise encounters with those not so nice I hope?
And this was my reply to you:
6/29/2012 7:02 PM Laughing Orca Ranch said...No need to worry about us, Ice. I can guarantee that we are very prepared for those 'situations' ;)
And now today you leave this comment:
"Lisa,I just love your pictures. This one of you at 10K plus feet and the stone structure is amazing! I love that! But I hope that at least one of you or your friends has a nice leather scabbard on that saddle with a nice shot gun or rifle tucked inside just in case of BEAR/MOUNTAIN LION encounters! "
and then you left this comment:
"Lisa,Love the pictures and the one of you next to the stone structure is amazing! Love that! I sure hope that one of you girls has a scabard and a nice shot gun in it JUST IN CASE OF BEAR/MOUNTAIN LION etc... that is a long way away from civilization..."
Now, since you keep bringing this up and it obviously is such a major concern for you, I will get more specific...with the hopes that you will take the time to come back here and actually read this.
First of all, where we were riding may be National Forest and Wilderness, but that term is used lightly around here. We can be in civilization is less than 20 minutes at any time, either by driving, or by taking the tram down from the top of the Sandia Crest. And there is a heli-pad at the top for any extreme emergencies. There are emergency phones placed along the Crest Road, and there are more than 10 picnic/parking/trailhead areas all along the center of the Sandia Mountains. Forest Rangers are very active in the Sandia Mountains and at the top there is the Crest House, the Sandia Peak Restaurant and the Tramway Station.
Yes, there are mountain lions and black bears in the National Forest and Wilderness area, but they avoid humans at all costs. I have a friend that has hiked and camped in the Sandias for over 45 years, logging in countless hours and miles, and he has never once seen a mountain lion nor a black bear. And I have hiked in the Sandias for almost 20 years and I've not seen a bear or mountain lion either.
But that doesn't mean we don't come prepared for our safety, as well as our horses' safety. Besides the normal 'making lots of noise to alert bears and lions', we also carry bear spray and a .357.
I disagree with your suggestion that we carry a rifle in a scabbard on our horse's backs. A rifle or shotgun is a not a good weapon to carry on a heavily populated mountain, on horseback.
Besides the unnecessary weight and cumbersome quality of a rifle, a rifle is difficult to wield inside the confines of a tent (if we were planning on horse camping). And, if a black bear (or wacko dude) is coming at you like a freight train, it's doubtful you will have adequate time to shoulder the weapon, settle the sights and start shooting accurately. You are probably not even going to manage to get one shot off.
So, thanks for your dire warnings, and your excessive worrying, but we do believe we are more than prepared for riding our horses in the National Forest.
7 Temmuz 2012 Cumartesi
Just Released: The 2012 Chain Restaurant Report
In 1933, The List of Restaurant Chains was published by Chain Store Publishing Corporation. This six-page directory with the names and addresses of several hundred companies was the predecessor to Chain Store Guide’s Database of Chain Restaurant Operators. The 2012 Chain Restaurant Operators includes information for more than 7,000 companies. Over the years, in response to customer requests and the evolution of the restaurant industry, data available from Chain Store Guide has developed from a simple address to full contact information (address, phone, fax, homepage, email), personnel names and titles (more than 37,000 at last count), concept names, types of menu and foodservice, trading areas, primary wholesalers, and much more.
To demonstrate the wealth of data that is available to our customers and to showcase some of the historic changes that have occurred in the industry over the years, Chain Store Guide is pleased to present its first Data Sampler. You can view and download the report below.
Wisdom
Having a strong opinion that cannot be expressed.
I'm a mother and there comes the time when children are no longer children, and they are facing big decisions.
I still my tongue, and my opinions stay right where they need to be...shrieking in my own head. I listen. I say, "You must be the one to decide. You have the power. You are only a victim if you choose to be."
The child wavers between the two choices, waiting to be pushed one way or the other.
I repeat, "The choice is yours. You must make it. You have the support of your family, no matter what, but you must make the choice."
It makes me feel sickish inside, but the days when 'mommy made it all better' are long gone. I know that I behaved wisely.
I also think that being wise sucks.
Nothing Much
We live on such an interesting street. Today we saw a little girl cuddling her beloved guinea pig. I had a guinea pig as a child. We stopped to talk to her and it tickled me to hear the guinea pig making his little guinea pig noises. I fed him a piece of grass and marveled at his carefully painted pink toenails.
We continued on, down past the huge old church that has been converted to what? An apartment building? We really don't know, but are intrigued.
A shopping cart had been abandoned on the sidewalk, several blocks from the grocery store, so we pushed it back to the store, since we were headed that way.
We did some shopping, and then ate our supper and headed back home. We discovered a red squirrel in a hav-a-hart trap and we stopped to talk to the home owners, for two reasons. One is that we are truly up to our eyeballs in red squirrels and they are destructive. Now that we live in town, well, they frown on shooting them, as Tim did when we lived out in the woods. We bought two traps, but have not caught a one, so we wanted to learn their squirrel trapping techniques. We also wanted to tell them that we have a friend out in the woods who loves red squirrels and has offered to take any that we manage to catch because he love to watch them frolic.
It was a pleasant night, nothing much going on, just pleasant. A good day for a salad, a good day for a walk, a good day for meeting new friends.
There's also a tropical storm brewing in the Gulf of Mexico, which sounds temperamental, in addition to being unfortunately named.
It's not that I haven't been doing anything...
I've stopped looking for Marty and the DeLorean. Turns out that he won't be here until October 21st, 2015. Disappointing. I wanted the future right nnnnnnoooooooowwwww!!!
I spent time with William. We came up with a little song. "If you're poopy and you know it, clap your hands, if you're poopy and you know it, clap your hands. If you're poopy and you know it, well your pants will surely show it, if you're poopy and and you know it clap your hands." We may market that little ditty to men who dress in primary colors. In any case, there was a whole lot of clapping going on, and at one point, Cara was screaming. It looked as if the child had exploded.
I spent time with Cara too. She came home for a visit. We went to the Thai-Chinese restaurant, and she had Drunken Chicken which was so good I'm going to try making it at home. We went to the thrift store and found some wonderful books. We began looking at things for her new apartment. I felt like we talked, really talked, for the first time in a long time. That was a bit of a relief.
I watched Charlie Chaplin in 'The Circus' and laughed until I could scarcely breathe. Oh my goodness, what fun. I also watched 'Brothers' and it made me a little sick inside, even though it ended, as Cara promised it would, "on a hopeful note".
It's been quite a week, dealing with both ends of the circle of life, grieving and rejoicing, and dealing with the stuff that comes in the middle, including another cold, my second since starting work.
I have to schedule my certification exam for OT. I have to get cracking on the studying. I'd like to have that done by summer's end.
We've company coming from North Carolina over the week of the fourth, and I am looking forward to that.
Interesting
One woman wanted to rent from us, a loud and aggressive woman. She was insistant that she wanted a small apartment for her boyfriend and his child and herself. She was a landlord herself, she explained, but could not live in her own house due to the fact that she was having some repair work done on it. At the same time we had a rental application from the boyfriend, a boy much younger than she was who'd gotten custody of his little daughter and was looking for a place to live. He was very just as adament that this woman was NOT his girlfriend and that she would NOT be living with him. In the meantime, we had the 'girlfriend who was not his girlfriend' calling about our decision. The more she talked, the less sense the situation made, and in the end, we took a deep breath and decided to sidestep the drama. We rented to a sweet natured Indian girl who was a good fit with the other tenants in the building.
In the intervening weeks, the 'girlfriend who is not a girlfriend' sits on the porch of her house which shows no signs of being worked on. She has a new boyfriend. Today we opened the morning paper to read that she had taken $20,000 from her employer over the last month and has vanished. Tim looked across the street and her car is no longer parked in front of the house that is not actually hers but a rental.
We felt glad that we had sidestepped the drama. She portrayed herself as a business woman, financially secure. It was, it turned out, much the same persona she acted out in the local bars. How does a person expect to get away with a crime like this? What is the satisfaction of making people believe that you are something you are not?
People are interesting, aren't they?
Tim and I stopped at a yard sale, seeing a file cabinent that we could use. I also found, of all things, a cobalt blue gravy boat in the shape of an elk which tickled me to no end.
My husband looked at me as if he found me very 'interesting' as well.
But my sort of interesting cost him a mere $2 and my drama is minimal, so there is a difference.
5 Temmuz 2012 Perşembe
I can't explain
Say someone posts something. Someone else doesn't like it - and posts a comment saying so. Then the first person responds by explaining their position. The second person still doesn't like it. Invariably the first person usually keeps explaining, and explaining, and explaining some more.
Does it work? Never.
When people don't agree with you, online or in the real world, you can't explain. At least at first. If someone doesn't like your political position, explaining it further will not change their mind. If what you posted offended someone, explaining it will only make you sound defensive. And if someone is ranting, explaining your rational position usually leads to more ranting.
If you want to see an example of this in action, look no further than the comments section of just about any online news story. Some troll posts something that annoys people, someone else takes offense and responds, the troll responds with more trollishness, and they go back and forth at it until everyone is exhausted and gives up. Does anyone ever "see the light" in these discussions? Nope.
So how can you respond to someone else's negativity online? You really only have three choices:
1) Apologize. Apologizing when you offend someone does not diminish you. It enhances you. Unfortunately, most people react the opposite way because they do not get this.
2) Own your truth. If you firmly believe what you write, and someone else disagrees with you, don't try to convince them they are wrong – convince them how firmly you believe in yourself. There is all the difference in the world between "Here are X reasons why I am correct" versus "I respect your view. I see why you feel that way. And I have a different view."
3) Walk away. For example, lots of people post reviews of my books in places like Amazon.com. Most of them are just ducky. Recently, one wasn't very complimentary at all. My response? No response. First, I respect whatever the marketplace thinks of my wares – but more important, nothing I could possibly say would matter. So often, the best answer of all is the lack of one.
All of these revolve around the subtle difference between engaging people versus defending yourself. One approach works and the other doesn't. If you feel differently, you would have to somehow explain it to me. No, wait, scratch that.
Word pictures
So what do the Beatles sound like to me? Of course, they sound like Buffalo, New York. Because as I was growing up in 1960s Buffalo, the Beatles and top 40 radio were the soundtrack to my life. So for me, the Beatles will always sound like my parents' Oldsmobile station wagon, football practice at Ellicott Creek Park, fish fry on Fridays from Brownraut's, Catholic school, and my first ride on a Boeing 707.
And Elvis Presley? Why, he sounds like China. When I took a sabbatical from my software job in the 1980s and taught at a Chinese university, soon after that country opened up to the West, my colleagues at Tianjin University taped my lectures – and tried to make me feel "at home" by playing elevator pop music beforehand. So one morning I popped out their tape, put in my own cassette of Heartbreak Hotel, and proceeded to teach them some American musical culture – explaining who Elvis was, and how he sang about things like going to a very bad hotel when your girl left you, gyrating my hips instructionally as everyone roared with laughter.
Of course, your Beatles and your Elvis are probably very different from mine. And that is the point. Words paint very different pictures for each of us. And we often get into trouble when we assume that our picture is the only possible one.
For example, when you say "productivity," your word picture might be one of helping people do their very best. My word picture might be of a slavedriver who burns people out. My view of "success" might be liberating, and your view of "success" might seem like a straightjacket of other people's expectations. Just because I am an adult, and like to read books, doesn't mean that I would want to visit an adult bookstore.
Of course, things get even worse when you turn to politics. I was a real American last time I checked my passport, but calling myself one would move my needle pretty far to the right. I might like the sound of being a non-conformist, but showing up in a gathering of them in my best suit – which certainly wouldn't conform – might not have the desired effect. Being in favor of speaking English can mean totally different things to your English teacher and the folks on the Arizona border. And, of course, when I grew up during the Cold War, living on a commune might have been fine, but being a aficionado of commune values – e.g. a commun-ist – often was not.
So how do you get around this problem? Discover what pictures the other person sees from your words. Take a genuine interest in how they see the world. Learn from them, rather than trying to "enlighten" them, and you will probably both be enlightened.
In the case of Elvis, my hosts eagerly wanted a copy of my music – which I agreed to, as long as they gave me a copy of their favorite music in return. What I got was a Chinese opera that was so sweet and poignant that it still brings a lump to my throat. And to this day, I still try to hear everyone else's music.
What to say to someone at risk of suicide
I did not know Trey personally. He was one of my earliest Twitter followers (one of over 100,000 people he followed). If you look at his Twitter feed, even just before he passed away, you will see someone who was incredibly upbeat, articulate, and giving to others. And perhaps today, someone who reminds us that depression and hopelessness can strike anyone – even someone with enough friends to fill a small city.
Which brings up something I strongly feel everyone should know, just like we learn first aid or CPR. Most of us have the best of intentions when someone in our life is depressed – but in reality, we have no clue what to say. So we say things that don't help – or make the other person feel worse – or worst of all, we say nothing at all. (As one example, most of the things we think will motivate or cheer on a depressed person do not actually help.)
In 2005, when I was a crisisline counselor, I penned an anonymous piece for the Ithaca Journal about what we are trained to say to people in crisis. (Crisisline counselors, while actively serving, remain anonymous in the community.) I personally did not know these skills until I was taught them. If everyone learned them – especially how to really listen, without giving advice or "fixing" the other person – it would have a real impact.
People may not realize that crisis counseling is incredibly effective. Informal studies have shown that people who call crisislines are much more likely to stay alive afterwards. So if you are hurting, please, please call 800-273-TALK from anywhere in the USA, 24 hours a day. Be safe and be well.
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As a volunteer for Suicide Prevention and Crisis Service, I am fortunate to work alongside a great team of staff and volunteers. Together, we help over 10,000 callers a year from all walks of life - and while the calls themselves are anonymous and confidential, some of the life lessons they teach us are worth passing along to all of us.
First of all, you might think that the main function of an agency called Suicide Prevention and Crisis Service is to prevent people from committing suicide. Wrong. That happens to be the most critical thing we do, and we are highly trained for it. But what usually happens day in, day out, 24 hours a day on the SPCS Crisisline is something that is even more important: we show respect, dignity and understanding to a great many people who often experience none of these things in the rest of their life.
You see, the typical Crisisline caller isn't about to commit suicide. The typical caller may be a teenager whose parents constantly scream at him about his clothes, his tattoos and his attitude - but is feeling lonely and scared. Or a severely mentally ill person who is keenly aware of the strange looks she gets from passers-by, and feels ignored and rejected by her family, friends and caregivers. Or a retired professional who feels alone and useless, as his once-busy days now drag on endlessly. Or someone who feels compelled to cross-dress, or cut themselves, and feels out of control.
They could be any of literally thousands of people in this community who are hurting in ways that make them feel alone and different from the rest of us - and desperately need to talk with someone.
Here are some of the things that crisis counselors do when these people call the SPCS Crisisline:
Really listen. When someone has a problem, human nature is to give advice - or criticism. Crisis counselors never do either. Instead, they listen - and continually acknowledge the feelings of the person they are listening to. This creates a zone of acceptance where people can truly open up and start to examine and solve problems.
Check for safety. Many of us are afraid to say anything when we are worried someone might hurt or kill themselves - sometimes, tragically, until it is too late. Crisis counselors check with every person, on every call, to make sure they are safe. Never be afraid to ask frankly if someone has been considering suicide.
Focus on the present moment. Crisis counselors cannot cure mental illness, take away losses, or fix someone's life. What they can do, perhaps better than anyone, is look for the one most important thing bothering someone right now. These "focusing questions" help shift the dialog toward making small, positive steps - the act of which is very important in crisis.
Explore alternatives. The next step in someone's life might involve a community resource, like counseling or shelter. Or it might just involve discussing feelings and alternatives with an empathetic and non-judgmental person. Crisis counselors help people explore their options, and make choices that are best for them.
Establish a safety plan. Above all, if someone has expressed a risk of committing suicide, work with this person to develop a plan for what they will do when they are overwhelmed - who they will call, what health care providers will be contacted, where they will go. Then ask this person to contract with you to execute this safety plan - and call you, or a crisisline - before they decide to act on feelings of suicide.
If we each started treating the people in our lives like this - whether it is our spouses, our children, our co-workers, or even the person sitting next to you at the bus stop - the difference would be truly life-changing, for them and for us. And in some cases, perhaps life-saving.