Too Big to Listen: A "Brief" Course in Corporate Communications

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One thing never ceases to amaze me: bigcompanies whose responses to customers sound like they were written by robots.
Here is a recent example. At the risk of TMI, I recentlywrote to one of my favorite big-box department stores about their men'sunderwear - or lack thereof. Here is what I wrote:
"I'll be brief - no pun intended.Check out the men'sunderwear department at (my local store) sometime. You will find rows and rowsand rows and rows of boxer briefs. And maybe two forlorn packages of briefs, ofany brand - none in my size and colors, of course.According toAskMen.com, 57% of men wear briefs, and 18% wear boxer briefs. Someone oughtaclue in your underwear buyer. Thanks!Best, Rich"
My note was short, to the point, well researched, and even alittle humorous. It was not the least bit impolite. I even avoided thetechnically accurate groaner of signing off with my work address of BriefTherapy Associates (where I do actually practice as a therapist).
So here is the gist of their response -- with my thoughts in bold:
"Dear Richard,Thank you for your comments regarding the current selectionat your local store. At (insert name of big box store), our goal is to offerour customers a wide assortment of merchandise. In most cases, we offer a broadselection in our merchandise.(Why, oh why, do mostof these letters start by saying "Our goal is to do exactly the oppositeof what we actually do"?)
We are continually looking for ways to best meet the needsof all customers and in turn, improve customer convenience.(I am writing aboutsomething you do poorly -- and often -- and you respond by telling mehow you are always busy improving? Methinks you've been looking under the wrongrock.)
Therefore, your feedback is very important and will be takenunder consideration for any of our future buying decisions. We apologize forany inconvenience our current selection may have caused. We appreciate the timeyou took to contact us and look forward to serving you again at (insert name ofbig box store again).(So my request hasbeen put on the suggestion pile. Whoop-de-doo. I am thrilled, I tell you,thrilled.)Sincerely, (whomever)"
So how should people react to this? Well, picture this. Amother catches her son with his hand in the cookie jar. He responds, "Mygoal is to only eat cookies at the appropriate times. I am always looking forways to improve our supply of cookies as well as my dental health. Thereforeyour feedback is very important, and I will take it under consideration."Think this would work?
This is why the average six year old is smarter -- in fact,much smarter -- than the average big-box retailer. Meanwhile some corporateweenie is actually drawing a paycheck for penning words like these, fortheir customer service departments to cut-and-paste, thinking they willactually help.
Here is the response I was really thinking about: "HeyRich. Sorry about that. We really should do a better job of stocking men'sunderwear. It's a hassle going all the way to a store and not finding somethingthat basic in stock. We'll let you know when we fix this. Meanwhile, here's afive buck discount for your trouble. Thanks!" Now, would that be so hard?